.:Bullet Proof Read:.

As-salamu ‘alaykum

To the sis (I assume) who asked, I’m deeply sorry for the delay. Hope this benefits.

Q: sis what advice can u giv 2 da bros who mess sisters around?

A: I hesitate when it comes to proper advice in terms of admonishment. But I’ll try to address this, in general - as always. And erm in two parts…

PART ONE

A few factors to take into consideration.

1. The definition of “mess sisters around”. I’m guessing it has to do with the previous Q of heartbreak. I’m sorry to say but often times the sisters put themselves in the position to be “messed” with. Yes, it might’ve started out well, initially things were kept halal, intention was kept pure. And perhaps it’s the brothers who deceived, made false promises, gave flimsy hopes and dragged it on without good intent. But sigh. The sisters should’ve taken the hint from the lack of progress to simply drop it. Three months on from the first vow of ‘commitment’, no answer from his parents and when asked about it, he dodges or sweet talks his way out. That’s as obvious as it gets.

Let’s face it, if things were done the proper Islamic way, no hearts would be broken to the extent that one think herself deceived, cheated and wronged. A sister might feel hurt, even devastated if, in a proper scenario, a brother changes his mind just before the planned wedding, but I would think that to be an isolated case of last-minute jitters than a negative trait of the brother’s. Besides, by that time, he’d get enough admonishment from both families. And then some.

2. In cases you brought up, we often only hear it from the sister’s perspective. Or maybe a bunch of sisters’ even. But unless you’re witness to the whole thing, your approach (to advice) should be a careful one. Avoid speculations and accusations. Be fair, objective. Take a stance of clarification. “I love and trust sister Lubabah, but I also understand that when she poured out her heart to me, she was in an emotional state. So I’ve come here to give you the chance to explain yourself, and what had happened.” Go with the current story at hand and please, stay out of bringing up the brother’s past with some other sister/s. That’s none of your business. And listen, listen to what he has to say. If you feel you would be partial, leave it to someone better able to handle the situation. I recommend a respectable, friendly, married brother.

3. The brother might have had good reason to drop it. Shocker? Well, guys are dorks. They want to give something a try but when they start realising they don’t want it, they ditch in the silliest, and often most hurtful, of ways. Sorry, but it goes back to point #1. If it were done in the proper way, trust you me, the only silly thing he’d resort to is a lame excuse like “uhh, like, well, she’s too good for me, maaaaan.” And everything’s cool because minimal to zero feelings, no attachments had developed. Plus the third person is there to help soften the blow in conveying the rejection.

So, in the defence of the alleged playa - who is after all, also my brother in Islam - he just wants the best for himself too. He just has a messed up method of achieving it. This doesn’t justify in any way what he’s done - which is obviously wrong regardless. But accepting this fact will get you closer to giving solid advice to the brother/s.

4. Nobody likes to be told. It’s just innate. We like hearing good - and only good - about ourselves. So remember that what you want to do is advise, not necessarily admonish. Give the brother the benefit of the doubt that he too realises he’s done wrong. Point out his good factors, and as above, let him explain himself instead of laying it out for him.

PART TWO

Keeping the above in mind, here’s how I would craft my *general* advice to such brothers. It’s hard though when they’re not exactly seeking it…

Dear brothers,

What in the world is wrong with you? Heh. Nah, just kidding, you’re all right. But if you’re reading this, chances are you might’ve ditched a sister in a bad way. Or well you’re thinking it might’ve been bad but you’re not too sure. And now you’re regretting it somehow because it feels bad. Well, let me tell you. It was bad.

You probably feel nobody would understand you, that they wouldn’t know why you did what you did. But ultimately we all share a common goal in this dunya, to live through it in a balanced pursuit of the most blessed end. However the end cannot justify the means in Islam. Your means is what brings you to that end. What does that have to do with the issue eh? Well no matter what you do in this world, it always has to return to that very principle. The principle that shall guide you in every action. Including the way you seek a spouse.

I can (halaly) bet that you’d know more than I do what exactly are the Islamic criteria for doing so. But should you chance upon a situation that deviates from the perimeters but has a potentially good outcome, then work to bring it towards the correct path. It’s unfortunate if you’d gotten too “deep”, but there is always time to rectify it. If you see no way of correcting it, stop deluding yourself and please, spare the sister too. When it becomes clear as crystal there’s no working it out, drop it.

That sounds evil right. Well it’s your problem now. And you need to resolve it immediately. Not drag it on. But “dropping it” does NOT mean drastically disappearing from the radar. It means clearly and completely severing the tie WITH proper explanation. You want to be tactful, look out for her feelings, go ahead. But the whole truth can be said with utmost sensitivity, without having to hide your reasons.

You simply cannot say you’re putting yourself in her shoes because you do not know how a sister’s mind works. Agreed? (the brothers nod their heads wildly with “women are complex” notions). So do not assume that your way is the best for her. You’re likely to be doing what you think is ok, but in reality is preposterous. Contrary to popular belief, making her hate you doesn’t make it easier. You’ve been blessed with a guided mind and heart. Use them wisely to figure a good way out.

At the end of any day, your life is just as affected. So start it off with only good, start only what you can finish. No momentary fling is worth the heartbreak, or worse, the recorded sin.

Be a man. Do the right thing. Give your word only if you’re fully able to follow it through. Stick to your word. And if at any point, unforeseen circumstances develop against your favour, then back out in the best way possible.

Please, our sisters get a lot of crap from society as it is. The last thing they need is to be betrayed by you, the very men who should be protecting them.

–END–

___________________________

[Note: The above can very well apply to sisters as well. Heard stories? You and I both, man.]

15 comments

 

Puzzled heart? Putting back the
pieces is easy if you put your mind to it.

A little Q&A-esque in recent comments that I thought I’d make into a proper post…

Q: what advice can you give tosomeone whos heart has been broken

A: Wow. Tough one. Hmm. Can I just say “GET OVER IT?!” Heh, just kidding.

What’s essential is the initial acknowledgement that there is a heartbreak. Sometimes people tend to avoid dealing with the issue. Running away from the problem usually results in it returning in the future in an uglier form. So it needs to be dealt with at that very moment to the best of one’s ability.

Having said that, every situation is different and merits varying remedies. It really depends on how the heartbreak came about. So the most basic advice I’d give is to realise that you cannot control what has happened (qadr Allah wa ma sha’a fa’al), but you can control how you react. Let out your emotions (within limits), cry if you must because as quoted in the above comment, “The tearless grief bleeds inwards.” and internal pain is worse. Talk it out with close ones. Give yourself time to heal, don’t let people push/pressure you into getting over it asap. Because while it’s possible to get over something quickly, it just makes it harder to move on - which should be the primary objective.

What’s really important is that with every step of the way, remember that the hurt will go away, and you will be ok. Forcing that corner of your mind to think positive despite your heart burning, does help. Gradually overcome the emotions to think rationally. Reflect to discover fresh perspectives. Sorta like the one in my previous post “When what’s written for you…” of seeing it from the other party’s view - how they’re better off now.

And of course, the standard dhikr and du’as are a must during this trying time. You can take all sorts of measures, but you’d still need Allah’s help for them to take effect.

Whatever you do, be good to yourself. You’re already in the dumps, the last thing you need is to beat yourself further down into depression. At the same time, avoid demonising the other person. This might deceive you into feeling better temporarily - but later on, you might feel worse for having thought so badly of them. Instead, remember and cherish the good moments. Be the better one if they truly have wronged you - make excuses, forgive and pray the best for them. That will bring you genuine comfort.

Hope some of this helps. Thanks btw for leaving a comment.

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