.:Bullet Proof Read:.

No, brother, hands are raised in du’a!

We’ve all heard the hadith that the du’a is worship right. See, the thing about du’a is that you could plan on making a few after a fardh salah or in the third part of the night, but it’s when you actually make the du’a that you feel an immediate effect. That’s why sometimes the quiet, urgent du’a you make on the move is the most moving.

Take the regular istighfar for a simple example. It’s when you seek forgiveness from Allah sincerely that you realise the extent of your sins and that you have a whole lot more to be sorry for. At the same time, you start feeling the true magnitude of Allah’s Mercy. It’s amazing how a du’a so ingrained in us can take on a new meaning everytime we say it in different circumstances. We should strive to prevent the du’as we make from reaching a monotonous state.

Anyway, there’s this powerful du’a that I was reminded of and shared with a few people in the last couple of weeks.

اللهُمَّ لا تجعل من الدنيا أكبرهمنا
Allahumma la taj’al min al-dunya akbara hammina.
Oh Allah, do not make from this dunya the greatest of our worries.

It gives great perspective just by saying it. Like, wait a second, this matter that’s causing me so much stress is merely part of this world, why am I making it my biggest concern? And the lesson it brings is moderation.

So folks. With du’a comes great perspective. You could creatively craft a personal du’a or memorise a super long du’a, but essentially it has to have that internal effect. That’s when you truly believe your du’a will be answered.

My new glasses for serious reading eh!

I finally decided to use Google Reader to keep tabs on all the blogs and even news sites that I read regularly. And I must say it’s really, really easy to use. I was one of those daunted by the whole tech-speak of RSS Feeds but now I’m converted! Sorta like the days I thought torrents sounded more like torture. Ahh, memories.

Anyway. Trust you me, using the Reader is simply simple and it saves you a whole lot of time from going manually blog to blog. That way, you don’t have to sing “I don’t want to miss a thing” because Google Reader won’t let you! Erm, heh. Besides, most of you have GMail accounts anyway, might as well utilise this service foc. If not, there’re other sites like Bloglines.

It’s kinda odd promoting such a service (in such lame fashion too) but well, I pity myself for not having seriously looked into it when someone else had started using Bloglines a long time back. So please, don’t make the same mistake I did, kids. :(

Embrace the technology!

Oh and yeah, I imported those links to my blogroll here so now you see all the stuff I read! ;D

As-salamu ‘alaykum

To the sis (I assume) who asked, I’m deeply sorry for the delay. Hope this benefits.

Q: sis what advice can u giv 2 da bros who mess sisters around?

A: I hesitate when it comes to proper advice in terms of admonishment. But I’ll try to address this, in general - as always. And erm in two parts…

PART ONE

A few factors to take into consideration.

1. The definition of “mess sisters around”. I’m guessing it has to do with the previous Q of heartbreak. I’m sorry to say but often times the sisters put themselves in the position to be “messed” with. Yes, it might’ve started out well, initially things were kept halal, intention was kept pure. And perhaps it’s the brothers who deceived, made false promises, gave flimsy hopes and dragged it on without good intent. But sigh. The sisters should’ve taken the hint from the lack of progress to simply drop it. Three months on from the first vow of ‘commitment’, no answer from his parents and when asked about it, he dodges or sweet talks his way out. That’s as obvious as it gets.

Let’s face it, if things were done the proper Islamic way, no hearts would be broken to the extent that one think herself deceived, cheated and wronged. A sister might feel hurt, even devastated if, in a proper scenario, a brother changes his mind just before the planned wedding, but I would think that to be an isolated case of last-minute jitters than a negative trait of the brother’s. Besides, by that time, he’d get enough admonishment from both families. And then some.

2. In cases you brought up, we often only hear it from the sister’s perspective. Or maybe a bunch of sisters’ even. But unless you’re witness to the whole thing, your approach (to advice) should be a careful one. Avoid speculations and accusations. Be fair, objective. Take a stance of clarification. “I love and trust sister Lubabah, but I also understand that when she poured out her heart to me, she was in an emotional state. So I’ve come here to give you the chance to explain yourself, and what had happened.” Go with the current story at hand and please, stay out of bringing up the brother’s past with some other sister/s. That’s none of your business. And listen, listen to what he has to say. If you feel you would be partial, leave it to someone better able to handle the situation. I recommend a respectable, friendly, married brother.

3. The brother might have had good reason to drop it. Shocker? Well, guys are dorks. They want to give something a try but when they start realising they don’t want it, they ditch in the silliest, and often most hurtful, of ways. Sorry, but it goes back to point #1. If it were done in the proper way, trust you me, the only silly thing he’d resort to is a lame excuse like “uhh, like, well, she’s too good for me, maaaaan.” And everything’s cool because minimal to zero feelings, no attachments had developed. Plus the third person is there to help soften the blow in conveying the rejection.

So, in the defence of the alleged playa - who is after all, also my brother in Islam - he just wants the best for himself too. He just has a messed up method of achieving it. This doesn’t justify in any way what he’s done - which is obviously wrong regardless. But accepting this fact will get you closer to giving solid advice to the brother/s.

4. Nobody likes to be told. It’s just innate. We like hearing good - and only good - about ourselves. So remember that what you want to do is advise, not necessarily admonish. Give the brother the benefit of the doubt that he too realises he’s done wrong. Point out his good factors, and as above, let him explain himself instead of laying it out for him.

PART TWO

Keeping the above in mind, here’s how I would craft my *general* advice to such brothers. It’s hard though when they’re not exactly seeking it…

Dear brothers,

What in the world is wrong with you? Heh. Nah, just kidding, you’re all right. But if you’re reading this, chances are you might’ve ditched a sister in a bad way. Or well you’re thinking it might’ve been bad but you’re not too sure. And now you’re regretting it somehow because it feels bad. Well, let me tell you. It was bad.

You probably feel nobody would understand you, that they wouldn’t know why you did what you did. But ultimately we all share a common goal in this dunya, to live through it in a balanced pursuit of the most blessed end. However the end cannot justify the means in Islam. Your means is what brings you to that end. What does that have to do with the issue eh? Well no matter what you do in this world, it always has to return to that very principle. The principle that shall guide you in every action. Including the way you seek a spouse.

I can (halaly) bet that you’d know more than I do what exactly are the Islamic criteria for doing so. But should you chance upon a situation that deviates from the perimeters but has a potentially good outcome, then work to bring it towards the correct path. It’s unfortunate if you’d gotten too “deep”, but there is always time to rectify it. If you see no way of correcting it, stop deluding yourself and please, spare the sister too. When it becomes clear as crystal there’s no working it out, drop it.

That sounds evil right. Well it’s your problem now. And you need to resolve it immediately. Not drag it on. But “dropping it” does NOT mean drastically disappearing from the radar. It means clearly and completely severing the tie WITH proper explanation. You want to be tactful, look out for her feelings, go ahead. But the whole truth can be said with utmost sensitivity, without having to hide your reasons.

You simply cannot say you’re putting yourself in her shoes because you do not know how a sister’s mind works. Agreed? (the brothers nod their heads wildly with “women are complex” notions). So do not assume that your way is the best for her. You’re likely to be doing what you think is ok, but in reality is preposterous. Contrary to popular belief, making her hate you doesn’t make it easier. You’ve been blessed with a guided mind and heart. Use them wisely to figure a good way out.

At the end of any day, your life is just as affected. So start it off with only good, start only what you can finish. No momentary fling is worth the heartbreak, or worse, the recorded sin.

Be a man. Do the right thing. Give your word only if you’re fully able to follow it through. Stick to your word. And if at any point, unforeseen circumstances develop against your favour, then back out in the best way possible.

Please, our sisters get a lot of crap from society as it is. The last thing they need is to be betrayed by you, the very men who should be protecting them.

–END–

___________________________

[Note: The above can very well apply to sisters as well. Heard stories? You and I both, man.]

I remember how Sas always said a song from Tool first got him into the deen. It’s kinda strange in a whimsical way, but I’m sure we’ve all heard weirder cases of how Muslims and non-Muslims alike reverted to the true path.

Some of us just relate well to poetry (of which, lyrics can be a part). While we decipher what the writer originally intended, we also interpret our own meanings, personalising them to suit our thoughts and experiences. Kinda like how Natalie Merchant’s Beloved Wife would remind me of my dad.

Anyway, the point is I started to see more significant points in the following lyrics (Home by Chris Daughtry) that I thought I’d share. :D

I’m going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
Going back to the moment where you realised Allah’s love suffices.

I’m not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don’t regret this life I chose for me.
It’s not a literal, physical move. More like a metaphorical hijrah. You’ve been doing OK but something is still lacking inside…

But these places and these faces are getting old
So I’m going home.
Well I’m going home.
When things become so routine and everything starts sounding the same, when you feel like nothing more than “a wasp in a swarm”… And perhaps your environment and company have stopped benefitting you. You know you just have to change something. Surely there was a moment when your iman was at its peak. So you want to get it back.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
The closer you get to Allah, the more humility you attain, you would realise how much further you actually are from Allah.

I’ve not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love, remains true.
And I don’t know why.
You always seem to give me another try.
You haven’t been the best slave. But Allah keeps guiding you. You continually sin, yet Allah saves you. As is said, Allah’s love is the true love (haqiqi).

Be careful what you wish for,
‘Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don’t want.
Your du’as for the dunya might all come true but with all its excesses. Meaning all the trials that accompany a “good” worldly life might befall you. And this is what you’ve come to realise the hard way. And this is why, you want to return to the best moments spiritually. To be homebound. Where the heart is.

Well. That was pretty straightforward. But yeah, that was that.

Please do share any wicked interpretations (besides the apparent) you may have of poems/lyrics. Thanks!

Puzzled heart? Putting back the
pieces is easy if you put your mind to it.

A little Q&A-esque in recent comments that I thought I’d make into a proper post…

Q: what advice can you give tosomeone whos heart has been broken

A: Wow. Tough one. Hmm. Can I just say “GET OVER IT?!” Heh, just kidding.

What’s essential is the initial acknowledgement that there is a heartbreak. Sometimes people tend to avoid dealing with the issue. Running away from the problem usually results in it returning in the future in an uglier form. So it needs to be dealt with at that very moment to the best of one’s ability.

Having said that, every situation is different and merits varying remedies. It really depends on how the heartbreak came about. So the most basic advice I’d give is to realise that you cannot control what has happened (qadr Allah wa ma sha’a fa’al), but you can control how you react. Let out your emotions (within limits), cry if you must because as quoted in the above comment, “The tearless grief bleeds inwards.” and internal pain is worse. Talk it out with close ones. Give yourself time to heal, don’t let people push/pressure you into getting over it asap. Because while it’s possible to get over something quickly, it just makes it harder to move on - which should be the primary objective.

What’s really important is that with every step of the way, remember that the hurt will go away, and you will be ok. Forcing that corner of your mind to think positive despite your heart burning, does help. Gradually overcome the emotions to think rationally. Reflect to discover fresh perspectives. Sorta like the one in my previous post “When what’s written for you…” of seeing it from the other party’s view - how they’re better off now.

And of course, the standard dhikr and du’as are a must during this trying time. You can take all sorts of measures, but you’d still need Allah’s help for them to take effect.

Whatever you do, be good to yourself. You’re already in the dumps, the last thing you need is to beat yourself further down into depression. At the same time, avoid demonising the other person. This might deceive you into feeling better temporarily - but later on, you might feel worse for having thought so badly of them. Instead, remember and cherish the good moments. Be the better one if they truly have wronged you - make excuses, forgive and pray the best for them. That will bring you genuine comfort.

Hope some of this helps. Thanks btw for leaving a comment.

“Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides.” - Andre Malraux

Everybody’s got their own secrets. Secrets they guard with their lives. So… why do secrets destroy us internally?

As Muslims, a lot of our secrets exist in the form of our vulnerabilities, weaknesses, evil desires and acts of sin. But let’s face it, we SUCK at keeping our secrets. I agree that most times people are well able to hide what they’re ashamed of. But what I mean is how they handle these secrets privately. Such a concealment can sometimes affect their whole lives! Eating them up inside. Killing them softly, if you will. You’d find some lives revolve around a single wrongdoing.

Yes, one should resist, regret and repent. And it’s hard to simply get over it. We should never treat any sin lightly. Consider the Greatness of the One whom we’ve disobeyed. Give thanks that He still guides you to overcome your mistakes. And once you’re out, remember to leave it in the past.

Seriously, stop beating yourself silly over it. Be practical. Do good deeds to cancel out the bad one. Increase in good deeds to prevent a recurrence. Beware of deluding yourself that your tears are directed towards your Lord and that your tears alone should suffice. We read stories of exemplary Muslims from amongst the sahabah and imams weeping bucketfuls. And how we’re encouraged by the Prophet sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam to make ourselves cry even if we can’t. But the sort of crying we eventually do is shameful. I can’t describe it - but I’m sure you know just what I mean. It’s just… wrong.

We’re practical about direct ‘ibadah. But we don’t realise the many gems of Islam that tell us how we should treat the secrets we lock up inside. That there is always an explanation - cause and effect - but at the same time, there is always a solution.

Please protect yourself from letting your secrets overwhelm you and shape who you are. Life is much more bigger than that.